Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Kick A$$!

I’m lamenting the fact that I have so much to do (August 1st deadline, need I say more?) and so little time before I must pack my things to mosey to Virginia. However, I did sneak away from my desk (actually my bf’s that I’ve taken over while my laptop is down) to meet some local writer friends this past Saturday at the Greensboro B&N.

Those last two initials spelled disaster to my wallet. After our tete-a-tete broke up, my sister and I wandered to the discounted books. (I blame Cindy who told me about the fabulous book she’d unearthed!) In the end, I wound up dropping $60 by the time I checked out (though that did include HP book 7).

But I ask—how could I pass these up? It was almost like stealing! (Though I’m not a klepto.)

Medieval Swordplay: A 15th Century Manual of Swordfighting and Close-Quarter Combat by Hans Talhoffer. (I think this was the one Cindy gushed about, since the other clearance books didn't fit the bill.) I swear people thought I was high on something other than mirth the way I snorted and cackled as I flipped pages. But the detailed drawings will come in handy when I pen another swordswoman (notice I didn’t say man).


The Action Heroine’s Handbook by Jennifer Worick and Joe Borgenicht. All I had to see was How to Choke a Man with Your Bare Thighs. I was an action junkie way before I was a comic junkie, so this was an auto buy for me. Plus I write kick-ass heroines, so I can chalk this purchase up to research. Last night before bed, I saw this picture:



This could’ve come from BELIEVE IN ME if there were a couple mods done to the bike and the henchmen turned into officers. Then again, Jacqui doesn’t sport that Laura Croft braid. She’s way more punk than that.

And since today’s the 24th, I figured I’d do a random page (124) about ended up with How to Win a Catfight. (I mean really, there is a time and place where this lesson might need to be broken out. Hundreds of authors vying for a couple lucrative spots, `nuff said?)

Whether you’re taking someone down for stealing your man or scratching out a coworker’s eyes for stealing your ideas, it is handy to known how to master the catfight. The most important thing to bring to the brawl is the will to win. Victory (and maybe even the hunky man across the courtyard) will be indisputably yours.

Step 1: Prepare to use anything and everything on your person as a weapon.
The more tricked out you are, the better, so remember to accessorize.

Step 2: Take steps to protect yourself.
Put your hair up to avoid a vicious hair-pulling. Be prepared to assume the proper fighting stance to defend your face and chest (see “How to Take a Hit in the Boobs”.)

Step 3: Plan your offensive punches.
If you’re short, body punches are the way to go. If you’re tall, upper cut that attacker on the chin.

Step 4: Take your enemy off guard.
Offer to resolve the dispute through conversation. When she begins to calm down and listed to reason, proceed to deliver a sucker punch to the chin or stomach.

Step 5: Deliver the punch.
Keep your body tight and step into your punches, while torquing or twisting your hips. To deliver an uppercut, make a fist with your thumb on the outside. Draw back your arm and bring your fist up squarely to make contact underneath your opponent’s chin. To punch her in the stomach, draw your elbows in and quickly jab your dominant fist straight out or angled slightly down until you make solid contact with her body.

Step 6: Continue to deliver body blow.
Aim for her kidneys, which are located on the back of the body a few inches above each hip. A good punch to the boobs will hurt her as well. If her hair is long, pull it…hard. Use your fingernails to claw her dace. Pull off a shoe and jab her in the arm. Whip her with your belt.

Step 7: Avoid inflicting injuries that might bring legal action.
Hair-pulling, body blows, and light scratching will not get your community service or jail time.

Step 8: Stay on the offensive.
Wrestle your opponent to the ground or back her into a corner by continuing to move forward. She will be off balance and forced to back up until she’s literally against the wall.

Step 9: Once your opponent is sufficiently incapacitated or has run away, get to safety.

Amazing Marvel Universe by Roy Thomas with Audio Commentary by Stan Lee. Stan “ the Man” Lee is all I had to see to add this title to my stack. (And that the $50 price had been marked down to $15). Getting to listen to the comic icon state some cool facts himself made the purchase even sweeter to relish. (That little black strip on the right is a digital audio device that plays clips. I just wish the files also included some of his catch phrases!) For all you “true believers” the latest edition of Who Wants to be a Superhero starts this Thursday (July 26th) at 9 pm on the Sci-Fi Channel!

So I wasted an hour or so perusing, what’s a vacation without a little reading material? I mean who knows, I might have to save someone using my new action heroine skills. Thank goodness I have the manual, diagrams of how to use a basic weapon and Stan Lee egging me on! Okay, okay. I’ll save a little room in my luggage for romance…every kick-ass chic needs a little TLC to keep her soft-side malleable. Though I don’t think the SHOMI title WIRED I have in my backpack will make me too much of a bleeding heart.

1 comment:

Sabrina Luna said...

What great finds! Woohoo! Geez, I love book sale racks --lots of goodies at just the right price! :)